God I feel so ridiculous right now. Crying nonstop over a shirt. I guess I didn’t realize how attached to it I was. Every night for almost 5 years I slept with something that belonged to you, something that you wore. And now that I can’t find it, now that I haven’t had it to sleep with… I feel like I’m losing you all over again. I sound so dumb. But it’s not just a shirt. It was a part of you. A part of you that I wasn’t ready to lose. So please, Chels… Please. Just let me find it.
It hasn’t been this hard in so long. I don’t know what’s going on. I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could just snap out of it. It feels like I’ve fallen back into the darkness. I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to not be able to see the light. It’s just so difficult again.
It depends on the person. Stars are not meant to be caught… but every day I reach for them. I reach because I choose to believe that no matter how far they seem to be, the stars can be had… the stars can be yours. But sometimes in life it’s not always about having the stars, but the courage one takes to RISK something or everything that truly matters. If they are worth it, you should always try. You should always be willing to risk failure or devastation, or pain… even when you know they can’t be caught. Because in the end, just knowing you tried makes all the pain worth it.
You’d be 24 today. That is insane… absolutely insane. I can’t believe we’re coming up to 5 years now. I never thought I’d make it past that first week without you. But look at me now. I don’t know how I got here, I really don’t. But I know you’ve always been there helping me, guiding me… picking me up when I couldn’t get myself up off the ground. I might not feel you here with me, I might not logically understand how it could be possible… but my heart knows that somehow, you’re here. Happy birthday, Chels. I hope you’re hitting ‘em out of the ballpark up there.
It’s one of those nights where I find myself looking through old albums on my computer. One of them is full of pictures of you. Sometimes I can look through them and be okay. But sometimes… it’s just really hard. I’ve come so far, I know I have. My life is full of blessings and happiness. But I see pictures of you and I’m brought back to a place of such pain. I can be told a thousand times that you’re here with me… but I just want to see you. I want to hear you. I want proof for myself that you’re not completely gone. And I’m just scared that I’ll never have that. There’s not a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind. Time has definitely worked its magic… but some wounds can never completely heal.
so i’m listening to the recording of the time i went to see a ‘palm and face reader’ to find out more about my past lives and stuff like that… he’s actually a channeler, as well, meaning that there are times when he connects with angels and receives messages and what not. i don’t know how he gets the rest of his information but anyway that’s irrelevant… so this was like, 4 years ago after chelsea died because i was so confused with everything and i guess i just wanted answers so i looked for them anywhere i could.
basically, listening to it now… i think i have a deeper understanding of life so i was hoping it could give me a fresh perspective on some things. he was talking about my past lives (a was a clown in one, go figure) and how in my most recent life i died really young. he wasn’t sure how i died but there was something with metal, like my cause of death had something to do with metal. and that was that, he didn’t talk about it anymore UNTIL we got to the topic of chelsea and instead of it being a palm/face reading it turned more into a channeling session in which he communicated with chelsea for me. and before i even mentioned how she died, he was like “i don’t know exactly how she died but if she died of a metal that’s exactly the metal that you died from… so that’s why there’s a karma there, you see yourself in her”…and then i told him she died in a car accident and he basically said:”that’s why you have an affinity with her soul, with her death… because it connects with your past life time” and now that i think about it, it just… blows my mind. like… what
i thought i had felt it all. i thought that every emotion one could possibly experience in life was a part of my past. i thought that i knew myself. i thought i knew pretty damn well just how this world works. i guess you could say that i thought i had it all figured out. like the lines on the palms of my hands were just leading me down a path i already defined for myself. but i thought wrong. hell, maybe i wasn’t even thinking at all. because i was far too caught up in myself, to take that extra moment and be grateful. to be grateful that i had something good. that i had you.
that wasn’t enough… no, all i was worried about was the pain you were putting me through. but that pain was fabricated in my mind, i made myself the victim, like i did all the time. all i wanted was proof. i wanted you to scream at the top of your lungs that i was the best thing that ever happened to you. i wanted reassurance, and when i didn’t get what i thought i was entitled to, i felt hurt. i felt let down as though rather than gently placing my heart on the ground you threw it as far as you could. you made me feel and then you left me to wonder. and i didn’t understand. i didn’t understand that all of these thoughts i conjured up in my mind… they were irrelevant.
i didn’t see that what was important was the fact that you loved me at all. and i didn’t give myself the chance or the time to appreciate that. now i don’t believe in regrets or wishing i could go back in time, but sometimes i wonder what would happen, if i was given a try. i’d have told you i loved you that night, i’d have made it so clear… because i’d have known the next morning, you wouldn’t be there.
you see, all i knew of loss was the pain i felt when i was 8 years old and my friend’s older brother stepped on my pet snail sherman. i may have only had that snail for a few hours but it found a way into my heart. and the moment i saw that broken shell scattered across the sidewalk, my heart broke. but it was momentary ache. it was a mere glimpse of love lost. and if i could go back to my 8 year old self knowing what i know now, i’d give myself a hug. because i know how hard it is losing something you love.
so today was kind of a rough day for some reason. i was watching that show long island medium and crying nonstop because every “reading” she had for someone just brought back so many memories and emotions for me.
so for the first time in a while i sat here and i “talked” to chelsea. i know she can’t talk back and i used to always feel so stupid for doing what felt like i was talking to myself… but today was one of those days i just had to get it out. so i did.
and i know myself well enough to know that for some reason, it’s hard to get through to me. no matter how much i believe in the fact that she’s still here with me, not being able to see her or hear or her even feel her still affects me. i’ll always have that fraction of doubt inside of me…
so i told her. i said “chelsea, if you can hear me right now… if you’re listening to me, give me a sign. i know you can’t always get through to me, but i know you can get through to mali. please just give her a sign for me in her dreams.”
mind you, my girlfriend has been asleep for about the past 2 hours and she just messaged me because she woke up. my heart starting pounding because i wondered if maybe chelsea really did get through to her like she has before. at first mali didn’t say anything, just was replying to some previous messages and then i asked her if everything was okay because she doesn’t normally wake up in the middle of the night.
her response was “i don’t know why and i don’t remember the dream but it was like… something strange that had a lot of light in it.”
it was the day before my senior year of high school.
sunday, august 24th, 2008 to be exact. why would i remember the specific date? because that was the day my life got turned upside own, forced inside out, never to be the same again. and days like those… well, i guess days like those you just can’t bring yourself to ever forget. and it’s not that i want to forget, because even if i tried i know i couldn’t… it’s just that sometimes the memories come rushing toward me like an ocean full of bricks and no matter how hard i try to stand here with my hands held high in an effortless attempt to protect myself from the impact… i can’t. because this is an ocean full of bricks we’re talking about, and i’m just… i’m just plain old me.
plain old me who didn’t see anything beyond what was right in front of her own two eyes. but that day… that day, well it thrust me forward into a world i never knew existed. a world of pain, misery, loneliness. a world where the light went away. there were times when i could see it glimmering faintly in the distance, but every time i got a bit closer… the light got further and further away. and i was devastated. depressed. i lost you, i lost us, i lost myself. i wasn’t ready for anyone to tell me it was going to be okay because i couldn’t grasp the thought that this life would ever be okay without you in it.
and so, it was senior year. i remember walking into school the first day, after spending the entire night up crying alone in a state of shock and confusion… and i remember seeing one of my old teachers as soon as i got out of my car. he could see i was having a rough time and clearly not knowing what was troubling me he goes, “come on… it’s just school, it can’t be that bad.” no sir, it isn’t school that’s breaking me down inside. you see, yesterday i found out that life stops for nobody… that these fragile existences don’t last forever. yesterday, death took the girl i was in love with away from me. so can’t you see, sir? i don’t care that it’s the first day of school, i care that it’s the first day of the rest of my life without her there by my side.
today is 4 years that you’re gone. and for some reason… it hasn’t hit me like the rest of them. i still can remember that day as if it was yesterday… but today… it just doesn’t feel like it’s here. i don’t know. maybe after a certain amount of time… things just start to change. i don’t know that i would say it’s easier… but it’s different. the memories we made aren’t fresh in my mind anymore. but you’re still a part of me. i think that you and i both know that you always will be. i miss you, chels… and sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have just one more day with you.
my girlfriend went to sleep not that long ago but before she did, she sent me a message on facebook acknowledging that because it is already midnight there… it is officially the anniversary of chelsea’s death. for her to even bring it up without me saying anything… that’s enough for me. she understands me better than i thought anyone ever would. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again… but words can’t really do justice. asdlkfjalskdj i don’t know. i have so much to say and nothing is coming out. i’m just happy and sad and everything all at once. i can’t believe it’s been 4 years… and without me even realizing it, mali has been there since the beginning.