i don’t think i’ll ever truly understand it.

so if you guys have kept up with me for some time, you’d know some major aspects of my life by now. you know that i’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend mali for nearly two years now… and you’d also know that in 2008 i experienced one of the greatest losses in my life. i was dating a girl named chelsea at the time, also long distance, and she got into a car accident and died before we could physically meet one another. you’d know that that sole experience has shaped my life in ways i can hardly describe. and you’d also know, that throughout our relationship, mali has had random dreams of chelsea… but, i don’t know if they really classify as dreams, to be honest..

anyway, just a little background information, onto the reason for this post.

here’s what mali messaged me last night when she woke up in the middle of the night:

“it was chelsea. i think she came to visit and check that everything is okay with us after we had a misunderstanding in our communication or something like that, she asked me if everything was okay and i told her yes everything was fine… and i asked her how she feels here and we spoke in hebrew, she told me that this is her home now. i asked her how people treated her and she said that there aren’t people, there are only angels… and everyone has peace and happiness and joy because only those types of emotions are sensed there… then we smiled to each other and she took my hand and we went for a walk and passed by places that seemed like they were from the past but also part of them were from the future… but then she closed my eyes because she said i wasn’t allowed to see the future… but she said that the kids are playing and happy in the garden :) we continued until we stopped at some place that i didn’t recognize and she asked me to take care of you always and to never let you be sad like that one day… and that it’s important to her that you know that she’s good where she is and she doesn’t want you to be sad. she said “life is too short to be sad in it, fill it up with happiness and things that make you happy” then i smiled to her and i told her thank you and she’s right and that now i’ll return to tell you everything and then she smiled to me with that cute smile and waved goodbye.”

okay, onto what is so crazy about this all.. and what makes me know that this wasn’t just a normal dream… that chelsea was somehow with her, like she always tends to be in her dreams.

1. yesterday, mali and i hit a rough patch. nothing too serious, it didn’t last more than an hour or two, but it was difficult. we hardly ever have arguments or disagreements, maybe once every few months, but when we do… obviously it isn’t easy. we talked it through and thankfully, we always find a way to come out of it stronger than ever.

2. last night i watched the most recent episode of lip service. if you watch it and haven’t seen the last episode yet, stop reading this now. anyway, so in the episode, one of the major characters gets hit by a car. out of no where, literally, i could have never seen that coming. and it was pretty graphic the way they had it happen. from that point in the show onwards, all i could think about was the day i found out chelsea died. the rest of the episode dealt with the reactions of the people in her life. they portrayed loss so real, i felt it all over again. especially the characters who were in love with her. the pain in their eyes, i remember that pain. and i don’t like living it over again, but last night i had no choice but to. it was really hard… and i tried to just let it go, so i didn’t even really mention it to mali. all i said to her was “horrible episode. i didn’t see that coming at all.” that is literally all i said to her. she had no idea what it was about or that it would cause me such emotions.

so, for those two things to have occurred, one of them without mali even knowing about it… and for chelsea to show up “randomly” in her dream last night… i don’t know how to explain it. there’s something more to it. i know there is. it’s been a while since mali has had a dream about her. it’s like she comes at just the right times. because what she told mali, is always something i need to be reminded of… to know that she’s okay. and to know that she lets me know these things through mali, well that’s a feeling i can’t describe. it makes me so happy. i am so grateful to have a girlfriend who understands so well what it’s like. who accepts and even appreciates the relationship chelsea has made with her somehow. she’s become a part of her life, too. and i could have never seen that coming.

this has been a post. i doubt anyone will have read all the way to this point, but if you have… thank you for listening. i just had to share.

Anonymous asked: what is your tattoo and what does it mean ?

it’s something that i created from this:

which is something i saw in chelsea’s room when i was at her house during my visit for her funeral. i never knew it existed until then. i don’t know why she drew it or what it was for. but when i was thinking about what tattoo i wanted to get in honor of her, i knew i wanted to use it somehow.

happy birthday, chels.

i hope you throw a damn good party up there. and hey, invite my poppy. i’m sure you two would get along.

so i’m going through old notebooks,

and i found a handwritten draft of what would be one of my college application essays. here i am, over 3 years later… and it is so crazy to read what i wrote.

the topic: “if there has been some obstacle or “bump in the road” in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.”

my essay:

“obstacles don’t have to stop you. if you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” two months ago, the one person i never saw myself being able to live without passed away. no one saw it coming and i can honestly say that when i heard the news, i felt like life as i knew it had been torn right out of my hands. to tell you that this person was my best friend would be an understatement, because she was, and will always be, all that and more. there are people that come into our lives and we instantly know they have a purpose and in some way will affect us. i had no idea how much this girl would impact my life. i knew that never before in my life had i felt so strongly about someone, never before had i wanted to give someone all that i had in me. it took some time, but i started getting used to having my heart in the palms of someone elses hands. it seemed like nothing could go wrong, no one could stop me from waking up every morning feeling like i had a purpose in life. unfortunately, i was wrong and i came to discover that all things aren’t meant to last. when it finally hit me that this girl whom i loved so much was no longer around, i had no idea what to do with my life. there were times when i just didn’t want to go on anymore, i didn’t want to live life without her. i thought that this obstacle in my life was one that i would never overcome. i didn’t believe that i had the strength within me to continue life. yet again, i was wrong. i come to realize that everything in life happens for a reason. i can’t change the fact that she is gone and i’ve learned to accept that. i’ve learned to take this for what it is, an opportunity for me to grow as a person, and i’ve done just that. this even has opened my eyes to a part of life i never thought existed. i’m forced to have faith in that which i cannot see, for the thought of my girlfriend really truly being in a better place has allowed me to become a better person because of this. i now know that i must go on with my life. i must make something of myself. though i never expected to have to deal with something like this so early on in life, i truly believe that i can only improve from this point on.

have i said before how much i love my girlfriend?

she just woke up and said she remembered a dream she had:

“it was chelsea, she was with us in the airport. i remember that when you came out from the big door i saw her, she was watching us from above. i looked at her and we smiled at each other.”

then when i said “really babe?” she replied with:

“yes baby. she’s cute. she’s always with us during the most important times.”

i just found my old phone with the sim card that has my saved messages from chelsea on it. i don’t know where the charger to it is but i found another old phone and stuck the sim card in there. i haven’t read these messages in at least 2 years… but it still feels like yesterday.

Anonymous asked: just curious...how did you ex gf die?

car accident.

http://www2.wspa.com/news/2008/aug/24/travelers_rest_girl_killed_in_early_morning_accide-ar-9584/

i know you’re always with me, chels. i know. :)

Anonymous asked: do you have a picture of chelsea?

i have some pictures of her here:

http://hopeydopey526.tumblr.com/tagged/CUH

but…

oh, my life.

on the way to the museum today i was thinking about how much chelsea would probably laugh at me if she knew i was going to a museum all by myself. so i was talking to her and said that if she wanted to come then i didn’t have to be alone. and i asked her to let me know if she liked something. (mind you, i’ve never really been good at this whole communicating with her thing)

so i’m at the museum blah blah most of the stuff is old so at the end i go to the gift shop since i’ve never been it in. pretty cool stuff whatever i’m walking around… then i come to this.

if you don’t know what it is, it’s called a buddha board. you paint on it with water so whenever the water dries your painting disappears. the last time i ever even saw one was the summer chelsea died when i was in california at my friend’s aunt’s house. her cousin had one and i was playing with it and writing things and i distinctly remember sending a picture of something i made to chelsea. when i saw it, that’s what i instantly thought of and i couldn’t help but laugh at myself. it could all just be a coincidence but i think i know better than to believe that there are coincidences in life.